Thank you for this. I have rarely seen shame "experts" really touch on the experience of true shame. It is not equivalent to embarrassment. I once read that it's the difference between "I made a mistake," and "I am a mistake." I appreciate your sharing your own experience.
Rich, brave and powerful work. Few people are fearless enough to go where you go. Stay the course, my friend. I believe you're helping many untold people who are reading, but not commenting.
Thank you for sharing the interview. She was a hero of mine. I got to meet her and spend some time with her once but I never got past the hero worship to make friends. I was not aware of the interview and will listen to it soon. I have owned a video copy of the movie of Bastard for decades but never watched it. I don’t think I could take it.
A dear friend revealed this horrible conflict to me about the sexual abuse by her step-father. She said, "When he was being buried, I didn't know whether to fling curses at his coffin or to throw myself in on top of it." Thank you for speaking openly about this shame. People underestimate how sexual children are and how easily abused.
Thank you for sharing your story, Richard, and for your insights. I think we sometimes forget that little boys get molested almost as often as girls. I wish that hadn't happened to you. I was also blown away by Bastard out of Carolina. Allison's honesty was unlike anything I had ever read. I have tried to disregard the molestation I experienced. The incidents seemed minor (even though one is my earliest memory). I thought they shouldn't have affected me so much, but they did. The shame is connected to not feeling safe or having autonomy of one's own body. Powerless. And, you're right, the pleasure connected to it makes the confusion deeper. A child's point of view would be that a person who feels pleasure from something bad IS bad.
Huge, huge food for thought here, Richard. Thank you for your honesty about some very tough stuff. I will go back and reread Bastard and listen to the Terry Gross interview. I remember being awestruck by the novel and now I should read more of her work.
Sending love and healing, Richard. This is a very important piece. I've not heard shame written about like this before, but it must be near universal for children and others who have experienced this seismic betrayal. You and Dorothy are both extremely courageous. I'd not heard of her but I'll read her book. I hope she experienced happiness and joy in her life.
Thank you for this. I have rarely seen shame "experts" really touch on the experience of true shame. It is not equivalent to embarrassment. I once read that it's the difference between "I made a mistake," and "I am a mistake." I appreciate your sharing your own experience.
I'm glad you liked the post. I like the distinction you make between "I made" and "I am." It's easier to say shame than it is to detail it.
Rich, brave and powerful work. Few people are fearless enough to go where you go. Stay the course, my friend. I believe you're helping many untold people who are reading, but not commenting.
Thanks, Ron. I appreciate the things you say.
Thank you for sharing the interview. She was a hero of mine. I got to meet her and spend some time with her once but I never got past the hero worship to make friends. I was not aware of the interview and will listen to it soon. I have owned a video copy of the movie of Bastard for decades but never watched it. I don’t think I could take it.
Books are generally better than the movies, I think.
A dear friend revealed this horrible conflict to me about the sexual abuse by her step-father. She said, "When he was being buried, I didn't know whether to fling curses at his coffin or to throw myself in on top of it." Thank you for speaking openly about this shame. People underestimate how sexual children are and how easily abused.
Thanks, Elizabeth.
Thank you for sharing your story, Richard, and for your insights. I think we sometimes forget that little boys get molested almost as often as girls. I wish that hadn't happened to you. I was also blown away by Bastard out of Carolina. Allison's honesty was unlike anything I had ever read. I have tried to disregard the molestation I experienced. The incidents seemed minor (even though one is my earliest memory). I thought they shouldn't have affected me so much, but they did. The shame is connected to not feeling safe or having autonomy of one's own body. Powerless. And, you're right, the pleasure connected to it makes the confusion deeper. A child's point of view would be that a person who feels pleasure from something bad IS bad.
Boys get molested a lot. Just look at the Catholic Church. Abuse and the abuse of power.
Absolutely. The Catholic Church and other churches have been monstrous.
Huge, huge food for thought here, Richard. Thank you for your honesty about some very tough stuff. I will go back and reread Bastard and listen to the Terry Gross interview. I remember being awestruck by the novel and now I should read more of her work.
She also wrote extremely well about class. Few take that on.
Sending love and healing, Richard. This is a very important piece. I've not heard shame written about like this before, but it must be near universal for children and others who have experienced this seismic betrayal. You and Dorothy are both extremely courageous. I'd not heard of her but I'll read her book. I hope she experienced happiness and joy in her life.
I'm pretty sure you'll like her work. She also wrote very well about class in some of her other books.
Powerful writing. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thanks, Kathryn.