I’m going to have a cataract operation today. I’ve been having problems with driving at night. And seeing distances. So, a month or so ago, I went and had a thorough eye exam. They said I had cataracts.

“Everyone gets them,” the doctor told me. I wonder how many times he says that in a day.

I set up two dates to have the operations. One eye first, and then, two weeks later, the other.

I made the mistake of trying to make a joke while I was discussing the details of the process with the doctor’s assistant.

“Now, the doctor will operate on your left eye first,” she said.

“Is my left eye from my point of view or from your point of view?” I asked.

“What?”

“Well, if you’re looking at me, my left eye would be different than from my point of view.”

“It’s your left eye,” she said.

“Yes, but my left eye would be this one,” I pointed my finger, “if you’re looking at me versus this one…”

“It’s your left eye.”

This went on for a few minutes until we reached a standstill. Then I dropped it. I hope I have this right.

The assistant gave me a pamphlet listing all the things I needed to do to prepare for the operation. I had to dispense two kinds of eyedrops four times a day starting three days before the procedure. (“Procedure” sounds like a word you’d apply to a lobotomy.)

Check these out. And I quote:

“Shower and wash your hair the night before surgery.” (Have they been confronted with inappropriate grooming in the past?)

“Do not bring valuables.” (Is there a cataract-based ring of thieves that roam the clinic?)

“Do not wear make-up face creams or any other scented toiletries.” (I guess the surgeon doesn’t want to gag—or worse, sneeze.)

“Wear loose fitting, comfortable clothing.” (A caftan?)

Then this in bold face:

“6 HOURS PRIOR TO SURGERY—Light meal or snack. Clear liquids—apple or cranberry juice.” (Since when is cranberry juice clear?)

“Black coffee or tea. NO cream or milk. NO dairy.” (I’m wondering how half-and-half negatively affects the eyes.)

Finally,

YOU CANNOT DRIVE HOME! (I have to stay there?)

Let’s do this thing.

Richard’s Newsletter

Cataracts!